We’ve been through a lot and its not “just fun” anymore and she’s afraid.
Names have been changed for anonymity.
“Agatha” and I started flirting back in September 2016 and we started hooking up in October, I established the relationship initially as “just fun” thinking that we could keep it that way and professional around the office. The idea was to be discreet and to my knowledge only her best friend knows that we are even talking “romantically” and only my roommates officially know that we have been sleeping together since October. She is a closed off person typically when it comes to feelings, I can only assume because she is guarding everything that she has left fiercely (her two daughters and her job)
Her story. She was going through the end of her divorce from a guy that just stopped caring and stopped helping raise their children. She had tried and dated seriously with another guy before while still married but broke up with him because of his abusive and alcoholic tendencies and sometimes he would act insane, for example… calling and texting her guy friends and making threats etc. She did decide to try and remain friends with him still regardless of the breakup (which she does with all people even if she doesn’t always get along with them).
My story. Divorced for a year and a half by the time Agatha and I met. I had a few girlfriends but decided I wasn’t sure I wanted anything long term anymore and wanted to see what was out there. I had been working on myself and wanted some companionship but maybe not anything serious.
Our sexual chemistry was ferocious… I love do sweet things for her, getting her flowers, driving an hour and a half to see her get home from the airport after visiting family once, getting her favorite Mexican food, making her “miss me?” letters whenever I went out of town, making sure she had one of my shirts so she could smell me while I was away… By the second month of us being “together” I started to develop feelings because I spent time around her and her girls. Not meaning to act as a surrogate father but accidentally filling the role when we got to hang out. I loved it and grew attached. Her seeing the way I treated her and her girls she definitely became more and more comfortable around me. By April we had some ups and downs and had many close personal experiences and we had realized that this wasn’t just fun anymore. After leaving for a weekend trip with friends and returning we were closer than ever because we had missed each other so much and the passion was intense and the feeling of closeness was intoxicating.
The very next week, a switch had flipped in her and she became cold distant and mean. After several days of little to no communication we finally get a chance to talk. Being an empathetic individual, I was able to get clues and deduce some of how she felt and she confirmed them.
The condensed version…
1. She is terrified that she isn’t where she needs to be personally, financially, (still living in the rental house her and her ex lived in) and if she tried to reciprocate the feelings I have… She is afraid she wouldn’t be enough and I would end up leaving because she couldn’t make me feel the way I make her feel.
2. In her distance and being cold, her logic was hoping that I would possibly move on to spare herself the cost of failure but at the same time secretly hoping I stay, regardless of the way she treated me because of how I have made her feel and how I have been there for her girls and what we could possibly be.
After hashing out those facts I assured her that the only thing I need is for her is to be with me when she can, not to be distant and let herself be happy because that is what makes me happy. I also stated I would support her where I could when she just wanted time to work on herself and that I don’t want or need her to be perfect, I just want her to be there.
Currently she is out of town with family to see her sibling graduate and won’t be home until the day of her birthday; I’m giving Agatha her space and only messaging her when she contacts me. I’m hoping that this weekend will remind her of missing me and maybe thinking that she can be open and honest with me and possibly want to pursue something with me (even if it’s a baby step in the direction of a relationship)
When she gets back she won’t have her girls and I’d hoped she would come over to see me and open her present (custom made shoes from her favorite brand) and possibly spend the night with me and possibly lose some of that distance. I am thinking a bit selfishly at this point there…
I want advice… What do I do from here? I want her to know that I want her even if its not 100% right now and that she can work on herself AND be happy. I want her birthday to be special (of course), physically, sexually, psychologically, but I don’t want to force her distance away if she isn’t ready or willing to let it go for now.