What do I do? Need advice on how to cope
Long story short. I have been “happily” married for 13 years. 2 kids. My world was perfect. Amazing husband who treated me sooo good. We both work and are partners and both are, I feel amazing and supportive parents to our kids,. We get along great, hardly ever fought, traveled together and had lots of amazing adventures… one day, I discovered he as cheating with my friend. After that was exposed, they ended their fling…. then I found out he had been having online relationships with multiple women for over 8 years. Including, have sex with 2 of our friends and making out with some. It became an obsession. I had no clue this was going on. He has came forward and told me everything. He has seen the pastor of our church and I see a big change in him…. Here’s my dilemma. I’m worried I”m setting myself up to be hurt again. I’m worried he will continue to cheat (even though I believe he has stopped i’m worried with his pattern of behavior that he will start up again, even though he says no and he is so very sorry and will make it up to me as long as it takes.
We’re best friends (so I thought) things seem different.. I have forgiven him but not without weird coping methods that I have started….. I can’t help but think about the shock and trauma of all of this. I feel like Truman in a world that wasn’t real… so now I am hiding his belongings and pranking him. I am pinching him and pestering him when we cuddle and distance myself because I’m scared to get close (long back story of me growing up with abuse and was raped by an old boyfriend before I knew my husband) I cannot stop pestering and hiding his stuff. What he has done has completely destroyed me. He is putting up with my “misbaviour” but has started spanking me when I have slapped him across the face or hid his stuff for work or am pinching him and scratching him . I can’t seem to help myself when we’re laying in bed at night I get to thinking while he’s asleep and just feel good to pester and annoy him. He is “self defence” by giving me a spanking. He said he is not going anywhere nor going to leave me ever again. That he loves me and will help me get through this “change in behavior”. I think I have went back to past behavior from when I was in my late teens and early twenties in the way I handle things. I get even with people by pranking and hiding their stuff to cause them problems as way of coping. I feel like I don’t get mad, I get even. I do not want to leave this man. We have been friends for almost 20 years, I do believe he is sorry and went through a weird time in his life and I want to believe he is sorry… i’m having major behavior problems like I just want to get Even and cause him some grief and pain for what he did to me. I have seen a counsellor and I am trying to move forward because I forgive him (otherwise I wouldn’t be here) yet I feel like I can’t help but being a pain in his ass and not letting him beable to just resume in our life for all the pain he’s caused me. I feel like pinching and pestering and hiding his stuff is a way to help me cope. I don’t want to get spanked and know I am seriously pushing him to a point where he doesn’t know what to do. He has walked away and I’ve followed him to just keep being a complete brat. I need advice. I know this is stupid.. it’s the way i’m handling this PTSD and the trauma of what has happened to me.