we’re not happy but we wont leave one another
I’m with my high school sweetheart and we have a tough relationship. we have a kid together and have been together for almost 9 – 10 years. we have split up twice in this time once for 9 months and the second rime for almost a year after our kid was born. The problem is we have been physically violent with one another, we are mean to each other constantly and have cheated on each other emotionally several times. I am the one guilty of continuing to seek emotional relationships behind my S/O’s back. But my S/O is guilty of always lying to me, about using drugs (weed & cocaine), drinking, going to strip clubs among other small stupid things (I have their phone password and check up on them when they’re drunk usually). After all this we refuse to leave one another, I have kicked my S/O out twice in the last 2 months but have let them return the next day. I really have hope that we can fix things and that one day we can be married; I know how insane that sounds, I know we have a far from healthy relationship. My s/o’s says they are only with me because of our baby every time they get mad. Once the anger subsides my s/o apologizes (sometimes) and says they don’t mean it. I’ve also been told by my s/o that ” no one likes me”, “no one will be able to support me emotionally”, and that anyone who shows interests in me is only for sex.
How do I leave them? How do I convince myself not to turn back? Should I continue to have hope/search for a fix?
I guess this was more of a vent then a question, but I am very much open to advice/support.