to message or not to message

Anonymous Relationship Advice

to message or not to message

My bf comes from a traditional Catholic family and I come from a semi traditional Asian family. We both are mid-20s, born and raised here in America. Our families do not know we are dating each other; although I am open to introducing him and feel as though my parents would accept our relationship, he feels as though his family would not be as open-minded. His mom, sister, and grandma in particular want him to date a nice Catholic girl. With that being said, his sister has been trying to set him up with a Jewish girl she met form a work function. She has been bothering him non-stop to message her via fb.

He briefly told me about this situation a few weeks ago when he was visiting. We are currently in a long distance relationship (about one year LDR), but have been dating for a few years already. Last week, I went up to visit him and while we were hanging out on the couch, his sister texted him “Don’t forget to message ‘Mary’”. I asked who Mary was, and he told me it was his grandma. I thought it was slightly weird that his sister would tell him to message his grandma, but didn’t think too much of it at the time.

On my ride home, I realized that he had mentioned “Mary” before when he last visited as the girl who his sister has been adamantly trying to hook him up with. Obviously I knew he had lied to me. I confronted him about it and he said he had panicked in the moment and aplogized. He had also forgotten that he had told me about Mary already. I was upset at his dishonesty but I could see the reasonings behind it. He didn’t want to make me angry and said he wanted to “figure out a plan” first. I know he wouldn’t be unfaithful but what made me more upset was that he said he had promised his sister to message this girl and intended to keep this promise. He basically asked to use his sisters prime account and she said she wouldn’t do anything for him anymore unless he reached out to Mary. I asked him if he was still going to text her, and he said “I have to, I promised.” His reasoning behind this, other than keeping his word and having access to Amazon prime, was that he wanted to show his family that he was making some sort of effort so that they would keep off his back for now.

Obviously, I am extremely upset at this situation and have told him I don’t feel comfortable with him messaging this girl and pretty much leading her and his family on. He also says he cannot introduce me to his family right now bc it would break his grandmas heart and he would basically get disowned; his other, less traditional sister was dating a non-Catholic man and his grandma ignored her until she started dating a different white man. I told him to tell his family that he’s not interested in dating right now because he’s focused on his career and getting into medical school, but he says that would seem suspicious bc what 25 year old man wouldn’t be interested in dating rn?

We’ve talked on the phone about this and he has been trying to convince me that the girl probably wouldn’t be interested in a random guy messaging her on fb anyway and if they were to have a conversation, it would be short and unfruitful. He says he just wants to show his family that he’s making some sort of effort and wants to get them off his back. While I can see his point of view, I told him that I’m still not okay with his messaging this girl and he said, “Ok, I’ll figure something else out then.”

Am I being difficult? Should I be ok with my bf messaging this girl so that his family would stop bothering him about it? What are other solutions, if any?

 

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