Should I tell a friend about my relationship with his late wife?

My wife and I became really good friends with another couple. Over the years we all became very flirty, though it was all done in fun. The other wife and I ended up emailing and chatting using secret email accounts. We exchanged experiences, stories, and photos. It was all done without the knowledge of our spouses, but after many years we ended up close enough that we would all end up naked in a hot tub on multiple occasions (just as friends, no sex). The other wife and I did fool around a few times (wandering hands, making out), but that fizzled out in 2015 as our friendship matured. The flirting remained, though. We’ve basically grown to be best friends since 2010. 🙂

While my wife wouldn’t be happy to find all this out, the other husband probably wouldn’t care so much. His wife often encouraged him to find a girlfriend. Their lifestyle and relationship was much more open than ours. She had a few guys she was emailing “on the side”, but I think other physical relationships stopped before we were friends. I think she’d tell me. So, even though they talked a good game, neither really acted on that stuff while we knew them. At least, not that I knew of.

Just recently, the other wife passed away. In the process of going through her stuff, the other husband found and accessed her secret email account. He emailed my secret email account (that does not use my real name) looking for closure and asking for details of our relationship. A quick search in my email account shows all the pics we sent each other over the years and all the venting we did about our spouses. The last time we used those accounts regularly was 2015.

I have not replied to him as I only checked that account after he mentioned he found his wife had all sorts of accounts (email, Spotify, iTunes, etc.) he didn’t know about.

Do I email him back as my secret identity, telling him we flirted and exchanged pics many years ago? Do I fess up that it’s me? I don’t think he’d be shocked, as I’ve been convince she told him or he somehow knew what we were up to. I’m 99% certain he’d keep my secret. Do I ignore it, since that email address is pretty much junk nowadays and it was chance that I even saw his email?

2 thoughts on “Should I tell a friend about my relationship with his late wife?

  1. OP here… So he called me a couple weeks ago. He’s really struggling with what he’s finding. He was really just looking for someone that knew them well that he could vent to without it possibly changing how I felt about his late wife. I assured him that whatever he had to tell me wasn’t going to change the way I thought of her. Hell, I thought I probably already knew what he was about to tell me. If he asked about us, I figured I’d tell him if he really wanted to know. We met to grab a drink and chat.

    He told me all about this other guy she had been seeing. I guess it all became a HUGE issue in their marriage around the time we first met them. I do remember that happening, but I didn’t know it was an issue. The “get a girlfriend” thing was possibly her way of mitigating her guilt or something. Anyway, he confronted this guy and also talked to a female work friend of hers that used to cover for her escapades. “Working late” or whatever. I guess she gave him all sorts of info. I guess the bottom line is that their relationship wasn’t what I thought it was and not exactly “open”. None of this has to do with me.

    …until he mentioned the name of my fake email account. Luckily, I guess he can’t see the photos that were sent. That would be an easy giveaway that it’s me. I’m about 50/50 whether he was trying to get me to fess up or if he really doesn’t know it’s me.

    He also mentioned that she saved stuff on her laptop that surprised him as well. He said that he found a dick pic from a mutual friend of ours (I’m not surprised!) as well as some stuff from me. Again, not a shock. He didn’t seem upset at all about the stuff from me. He mentioned that was kind of our group relationship dynamic anyway. It kinda makes me wonder what she saved. lol

    I’ve talked to him a few times since about stuff totally not related to this stuff, so we’re still friends. I still wonder what he knows.

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