Okay so a year ago February I was really heartbroken over my first love and at the time I lived in Iowa and a girl that lived in my home town Milwaukee messaged me and we began to talk. It was long distance but I guess I don’t have a very big history of getting female affection so her being there for me after what I was going through really helped me get through it. I fell in love with her in a matter of weeks but being in a long distance relationship kind of brought out the skeptical untrusting side of me and she got tired of me accusing her of cheating when she hadn’t and also not being able to see me in person (we knew each other for about 2 and a half months before I moved back home) so she told me she Wanted to take a break in our relationship until I moved back to the city but I didn’t want that because I felt she was doing that because she wanted to sleep around with other guys and she promised me it was for her mental health so I came to understand because I understood how I could be a little much at times. So about two or three weeks later she texts me to say hi and what not. We texted for a while blah blah blah and I ended up asking who she’d been sleeping with and she didn’t deny it at first she just laughed it off and eventually I forced it out of her and we got into an argument about it. But at the time we weren’t actually together and she said it wouldn’t happen again and that she’d basically save herself until I got back so I brushed it off and continued to focus on school because my high school graduation was coming up. Maybe about a week and a half later I’m in class and I get a notification that she sent me a video on Facebook messenger. I opened it and it’s a video of her ex boyfriend telling me that they just had sex. So I try to keep my cool and just tell him that we weren’t together anyway so I don’t care. He then sends me another video saying he was kidding and that she wasn’t really over there. So I get this faint sense of hope that he was lying and he just hacked her Facebook account so I texted her phone number and said “lol I think yo ex hacked yo Facebook and he texting people on your messenger” a couple minutes later I get another video a text message this time one of her ex boyfriend laughing about how dumb I was and then he pointed the camera at her and I see her smiling and giggling too. She left at some point and I wanted to talk to her I wanted to know why she did it after promising she wouldn’t I guess at that point she really didn’t want me anymore but she continued to lead me on while she did whatever she wanted at some point she even described to me how good some of the sex was and some of the shit she did. Now about another week later she texts me and tells me it’s a possibility that she could be pregnant but I found out yesterday that If she had been she wouldn’t even know who the father would have been. (Old messages) Seen as tho she had unprotected sex with 2 people during the break she said was for her mental health. But all of this was weeks before I moved back so I guess the drugs I was abusing at the time made me forget the pain she caused me. So now its about May 16th somehow we ended up talking and being on good terms around those days probably because I was coming back on the 21st a day before her graduation and a day after mine. She changes our nicknames on messenger implying that she wanted to be with me again but two days later she was leaving home and I asked where she was going and she didn’t tell me and she eventually told me she was going to a friends house but I didn’t trust it because that’s what she’d been calling all of the guys she had sex with her “friends”. So I asked if it was a male or female friend she goes on and on about how I don’t trust her that’s why she’s done everything she’s done and ultimately says she isn’t going over there for any type of sex or anything so later we’re talking again because I believed her I guess at that point she had gone home and I made a joke that I didn’t know what she’s been doing with her mouth so I was gonna make her take a shot of Alcohol with me. She says “lmfao” and nothing else so I asked her is that’s what she left home for she says no. Okay now a couple days later my graduation day I’m really happy and I texted her and sent a video of me in my cap and gown she says I look really good and she wants to have sex with me when I get back so I guess for those days we were really getting close again and the day I came home I went to see her. I was so happy when she walked out of her house and I saw her I probably fell in love all over again and forgot almost everything that happened between us in the past 4 weeks. Now I’m hugging her and everything I even kissed her. Now days later we’re back together and everything’s fine then she gets a call from some guy and she tells me to answer it for her I do and after the dude hung up it opened Up there message log and I see they’ve been talking a lot before I got back I scroll up a few messages and find out it was his house she went to the other day and that she had the best head he ever had apparently she didn’t like him because his dick was actually small blah blah blah. I also found out she went to her ex boyfriend’s house the same day. This hurt me so I pretty much broke up with her and kicked her out of my house but a couple days later she came over to talk and We ended up having makeup sex and I forgave her for it. Even after all of that i still loved her and was attached to her. After that we go a long time without arguing or anything but my mom wanted me to come spend the summer in Iowa with her and my siblings. Now we’re in the middle of the summer say early August and she works at the state fair and one day she told me she was going to her ex boyfriend’s house after work because it was close to the fair and she didn’t have a ride home as soon as she got off this starts an argument but I forgave her because I don’t like the idea of her walking far distances by herself so I let if go and told myself she was just over there to wait for her mom to get off work and come get her. That’s about all that Happened last year. Now a couple weeks ago we were out together and she was driving but she said she was gonna head home so she dropped me off at home about a hour or so later she texts me and asks if I wanna come over I say yes and go to her house but once I’m there she say she had something to tell so I tell her to spit it out long story short she Went over to her ex boyfriend’s house AGAIN when I’ve told her time and time again to stop speaking to him because the shit between them two has caused our relationship so much hell. After she told me I read there messages leading up to her going over there he texted her when we were laying in bed together and she tells him she’ll text him in the morning. When she did she said “hey🥰” with that emoji like she was excited to talk to him and when I asked her about it she said she did it to see what he would say That pissed me off then she asked him he wanted to help her do instacart (I usually help her with it) he said yes but they didn’t go do instacart she said she just went over there to see what he wanted and he was asking to give her head so she left. And since that day I haven’t trusted her the same I’ve been doubting her every time she leaves the house or doesn’t pick up when I know she’s out.
Now that I’ve told you everything she’s done I can tell you how I feel now. I still love her I still want to be with her but part of me doesn’t part of me wants to explore the life of being single. I have only had two sexual partners in my life I feel like part of me can’t get over what she did because I’ve never experienced anything like that I’ve never had sex that didn’t mean anything to me so the idea of her giving herself to someone else while she was supposed to be waiting for me doesn’t sit right with me. I’ve never done anything to hurt this girl and I don’t wanna hurt her or make her sad by walking out of her life. I do really love her but I also want more sexual experiences in my life and I love her too much to cheat on her. I don’t like the idea of not having each other anymore and I don’t wanna see her with someone else. I want to make her happy and also experience life a little more. Like I said I was never the ladies man type of guy but that’s partially because of my lack of self esteem and strict family but I’m older now and more confident I feel like I want to be apart of the chase again.
Can you tell me if i should stay in love with the girl that loves me but hurt me or if I should explore my young sex life