Our relationship has changed hugely since (1) his drug addiction and (2) cheating. He kicked his drug addiction within a matter of months but the drug he took did take a huge toll on his personality. We moved in together for the first time and that was when I found out about girl #1, I had doubts about this girl before as she was always so clingy and weird. Anyway, upon searching his phone due to gut feeling, I came across flirty messages and sexual messages, even as far as telling her he loves her. I confronted him about and to his respond he said he wanted to make her feel shit because all she did was ruin her life by taking drugs and drinking then moping about not having money. He said he was teaching her a lesson, he blocked her and that was that. One month later I found girl #2, she was from another country. Either way, gut feeling again and I scooped his phone, this time there was a ton of nude photos that the girl sent and a bunch of sexual conversations similar to the previous girl. I confronted him and he said it was pure manipulation as he found it funny that she fell for him for a matter of days. He said he would stop but of course this continued behind my back until finally after multiple arguments of me finding out, he finally blocked her and told her that I am his girlfriend. Girl #3 actually was kinda around when girl #2 was still around. The difference is, this girl lives near us and so he met up with her a couple of times without telling me. I saw multiple suspicious messages, he deleted them of course but every time she messaged him, it was just out of context. I saved her number and called her to see for myself, she told me that she believed that they were in a relationship and have been for a few months. I even met her and she showed me texts and pictures one of which where they shared a kiss. I remember the date on the photo as that was the same night he went out with his friends and he ended sleeping at hers and lying to me. The day ended and I kicked him out but we were still talking. I find out that girl #3 kept constantly messaging me telling me to not get back with him and such whilst she was messaging him telling him that she wants to meet up with him and work things out. Her friend even started calling him and cussing him out and then her friend admitted by accident that well girl #3 told me a bunch of lies in order to keep me away from him.

We spend some time apart and then move in a new place together. I started my antidepressants at this point and well my paranoia was sky rocketing and it didn’t help our relationship but then I didn’t feel like he was making much effort at all. We would get into physical fights a lot, the last really bad one was probably a month ago when I found out he was lying to me once again. He went to meet his friend but told me he was meeting work colleagues instead, this is super crazy but I actually went out looking for him and found him…across the street I see him with another girl and I screamed at him and stormed off. He chased after me, telling me to talk to her and so I can see that it’s nothing but I friend but at this point I was fuming. We get back home and I’m just crying and he tries to comfort me but I just couldn’t let him touch me. So I tell him call her and let her explain but he says that he has already blocked her and he doesn’t want Loren tension. I explained to him how shit it is that I was just telling him that he never makes time for me and he goes off and lies to spend time with another girl which apparently he has been friends with since high school but they lost contact. It just didn’t sit right with me. I smacked him and at first he didn’t fought back until I started banging on his keyboard and he grabs me and shoves me on the bed. I said some really regretful and nasty things, I told him our situation is just like his parents and we are going in the same route and that triggers a nerve but I only said those things because he said he would kill my dad. Once those words left my mouth he smacked me repeatedly and punched me in the jaw, grabbed me and shoved me in the gap between the wall and the desk and held me down by my neck. He didn’t stop even after I told him I couldn’t breath he only stopped when he started to feel sick himself. I did defend myself so he did end up with scratches and a bite mark.

after the night, we kinda avoided each other and after some time acted normal again. We haven’t argued since but memories from that night haunts me. It’s so hard to leave because I really am in love with this man and I have invested in him so much. He does make me happy but he also has hurt me so much in the past that I’m scarred. I’m fearful of the future. Our relationship isn’t all bad well it used to never be like this and I guess I still hold onto that. I have held him up on his feet, I paid for his surgery and all the deposits on our apartments and when he was unemployed I would send him money to ensure he was eating and living. I take care of him on a daily whilst holding a full time job and attending university to complete my masters. I just want to be treated as an equal. I don’t know what to do because I’m happy when I’m with him but then reality hits and memories of the past are triggered by small things in daily life. I have even had thoughts of taking my own life. I have attempted this before and he was the one to save me, so we have been through hell and back together so it’s hard just let go of everything and forget.