Relationship advice

Warning, this is going to be a long post. So my boyfriend and I have been together for five years and have two kids together. He’s been cheating on me throughout the relationship. He was talking to his ex wife, trying to get back together with her when we just started dating. Its an on and off cheating. He used almost every app there is to cheat on my and talk to girls online. Some were his ex, some he met on dating app. There was this girl, I think they met up but I’m not entirely sure because he wouldn’t say. It was on snap, the girl sent her a picture of a map and then a house, he replied by saying “I’m here, I made it”. He was also taking pictures of random girls behind, like a lot. Throughout this whole thing, I’m emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. This year, I found him taking pictures of random girls behind again so in my head I was done. I came back from maternity leave last Apr, and there was a guy at work. It all started as a joke, I had no intentions of cheating on my boyfriend with him cause I don’t find the guy attractive in any way at all. But he was persistent, and nice. It lasted 3 months and I ended up sleeping with him. I didn’t know what got into me when I did what I did. My boyfriend and I went to couples therapy twice in the middle of all this but I ended that session cause I thought it wasn’t working. He found out about it through his friend (I work with one of his friends). Now her and other co workers talk shit about me. When he was cheating on me, I didn’t tell a soul but when I did it with him he told almost everyone he knows. He knows how I hate bringing other people into our relationship. Now it feels like he’s a saint in this relationship and I was such a piece of shit for what I did. No one knows the whole story of our relationship, only of what I did. Now I feel like I can’t have any feelings. So when other people talk shit about it, and he keeps rubbin it on my face I have to just swallow it. I do that, because I know what I did. I feel shitty about it. I wished I never did it. I guess, I don’t really know what Im asking. Just any advice?

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