It’s been nearly 8 years since we’ve been intimate…
We have been married for 15 years. At the beginning of our relationship we were very passionate. We had sex often. And in these early days she wanted it even more than I did. But slowly that changed. It went from being everyday, to once a week, to once a month to non at all. She just slowly lost interest. And it is not only the sex that disappeared, she stopped wanting to be physical in any way. She will almost never kiss me and avoids cuddling even. She doesn’t like to discuss it and gets angry when I try and bring it up. She says she has no sex drive, and it’s nothing personal, but I know she still uses a vibrator, which makes me think that she does have a sex drive, just no desire for me. She is unwilling to make any effort to change, and barely admits its even a problem which is the most frustrating part. If I put my foot down about it she threatens to leave me.
Now you might be thinking that I’m probably some gross unemployed fat slob alcoholic loser who treats her like shit. I can assure you this isn’t the case. While I don’t claim to be perfect, I’m far from it, I think I am a pretty good husband and father. I have a good job. I spend all of my free time with my family. I don’t go out drinking. I don’t keep any of my earnings for myself. I work hard to provide. I’m not ugly, I have all my teeth and hair and I’m not too fat. For a 40 year old suburban white dad, I’m at least average.
For a long time I blamed myself. So I tried whatever I could to turn this around. I read books on the subject. I booked date nights. I lost weight and got into shape. I took an interest in her interests. I massaged her feet and did chores around the house. Still, nothing but rejection.
I’ve tried to not let it bother me. I’ve tried to accept it’s something I can’t control. But it seems that the years of rejection have surfaced and are now taking their toll on my mental health. It hurts to be rejected. It makes me sad and angry, frustrated, lonely and depressed. It makes me feel unwanted, unattractive. I keep trying thinking somehow something will change, there will be some breakthrough, but it all just hurts more and more.
I’ve tried to find someway to get through this. I really don’t want to break up my family. I hate the idea of not being around all the time for my kids. they need me. Up until recently I really believed this was the right thing to do. But now I’m not sure I’m doing anyone any favours.
What should I do?