Is true love your “first love”, or your best friend?
I am engaged to a man I started dating at 16. We had everything in common as teenagers, but mainly we liked getting stoned and drinking together. I moved in two weeks later, and we’ve been together since. Two years ago, at 18, I got pregnant with our daughter. I was supposed to be incapable of conceiving, so this was a pleasant surprise. However, it forced us to grow up. As we grew up and changed, we became different people. We now have different beliefs, values, morals, forms of affection, dreams, goals, everything. We are polar opposites. We love each other very much, but neither of us know why. My only theory is shear attachment, since weve been together since we were kids. The only thing we have in common is that we love each other, and obviously share a child.
Our best friend Ill call B. Hes been my friend for over 10 years, and practically introduced us. He is a best friend to both of us, and always has been. Before I got with my fiance, B and I had a short fling. He was on and off with my female best friend, and he and I didnt click on that level anyway, so we decided to just stay best friends. Well, when my fiance and I started to drift, B was starting to grow up on his own as well. We now have everything in common. Everything. Literally everything. The only difference between us is that he is male and I am female. Thats it. He also cares for me very much. When I was pregnant, my fiance took my car and money and went to a casino for the weekend without me, leaving me stranded at the house. B came over and stayed with me, without crossing any boundaries, just to make sure me and my baby were okay. Thats just one example. A more recent example, we all went to the lake, and my daughter decided she wanted to eat sand. Her dad didnt pay any attention to her, or me. B stepped in instantly, as if she were his child, and not only did he take the sand away, he played with her and treated her like his own. He takes better care of us than my fiance does, while still respecting my relationship boundaries.
Yesterday I went to the store, and we both happened to stop at a stop sign at the same time. We both lit up and waved like maniacs. It was like a little kid seeing their superhero in person. We were so excited about that 2 second glimpse, even though we just saw each other last weekend. After I drove away, our whole friendship flashed before my eyes, and I said “I love you” under my breath. It was like a lightbulb went off. I suddenly realized I have always loved this man deep down. I feel like a classic case of “marrying your high school sweetheart disaster”. I think I started a family with the wrong man.
To describe my feelings for my fiance, this quote is very fitting: “Id die for you, you’re my drug but I cant get high off you. Youre not mine anymore.”
I truly love my fiance, but… doesnt everyone have that first love? For the record, I didnt tell my fiance about my feelings for B, but I did tell him I feel we’re drifting and I dont think we should marry right now.
I know B feels the same. I see it in his eyes. I hear it in his voice. I know him better than anyone, and I know he feels this too. The way he looks at me, the way he respects me, the way he listens to me, the way he treats me, its very clear he feels the same connection that I do. Its also clear that he doesnt think my fiance and I belong together. He is never disrespectful, but has mentioned that we dont seem to be as happy as we used to, and that its not fair to either of us. Remember, he is my fiances best friend too, so he cares about him as well.
I need help. Is it more selfish to stay with my “first love” solely for the stability of our family, or is it more selfish to break up our family when Im the one who made the mistake?
I know either way, someone will get hurt. I know I messed up. But I dont know what to do next. In 10 more years, I cant see myself happy with my fiance, unless he changed who he was, which is NOT right to expect of someone. In 10 years, I could see myself happy with B. But, what about my daughter? My fiance? Is it worth hurting them? I would rather die than hurt my daughter, therefore Id rather be unhappy for eternity than hurt her. But, what would hurt her more? Would it be worse to be in an unhappy marriage, or have split-up parents?
I know if I left right this second, I could call B and he would be there. I know he would wait, he would be just as patient as he already has been. He hasnt dated anyone in years. He hasnt even looked at anyone how he looks at me. But he has posted things like “Its so hard waiting for someone that doesnt know you’re waiting for them.” And “Its so hard being just a friend to someone you love.” I am guilty of “friendzoning” the wrong guy. I am guilty of starting a family with my “high school sweetheart”. And I dont know how to fix this. I am so lost. Should I just try to forget about my best friend, and try to be grateful that Im still with my “first love” at all?
One more “for the record”, my fiance is my best friend in a sense, as well. Though we have nothing in common, I still love him, and we still do everything together, go through everything together, etc. I dont mean to make this sound like we hate each other, because we dont. But… its like Im more friends with my fiance, and more romantic with my friend.