I love my fiance. A lot. But we are getting married soon and I’m scared. Really scared. He’s the only person I’ve ever been with. He’s the first person I’ve even kissed – and not for religious reasons or anything. He’s just the first person who’s really been interested in me, and in whom I’ve been interested.
I’m terrified that I’m missing out, that even though this feels good and safe and right, I’m terrified that I’m not doing what I should be. Part of what worries me is how attracted I’ve become to his brother of late. He’s spent a lot of time with us in the past few months. He’s confident, he takes control… He exhibits a lot of qualities I wish my fiance had, while still feeling a lot like my fiance. He’s also taller and more muscular and generally just more novel and mysterious. And seems like he enjoys sex more.
I’ve been with my fiance for 6 years. We are to be married in 4 months. I’ve gained a bunch of weight recently, been super depressed, drank way too much, harmed myself a lot… he’s been stressed, and been on meds that affect his sex drive. These are all contributing factors to how lacking our intimate life is. We barely touch. I’ve lost confidence and I feel utterly disgusting. A lot of it is my own journey, but I can’t help feeling that he should be doing more to assure me I am still worthy of love….But honestly I probably don’t deserve that assurance. I don’t do anything to make myself healthier or more confident. I’m too exhausted. It’s a convenient excuse.
The good news is that’s part of what makes me not worry so much about a crush. There’s no way it will be reciprocated. I’m objectively unattractive. I’m pretty gross. I’ve had it confirmed in numerous ways. People like to tell me I’m beautiful, because I think it’s an easy thing to say for outsiders. I would have an easier time with life if I were truly beautiful. Nobody can be as fat as me, be as sad as me, be as lazy as me, and still be beautiful, so it must not be true.