I’ll never see her again

Ommiting details for personal reasons, I know this is anonymous but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable.

So basically I was at a camp for just over a week, there was this one girl who I instantly sort of “clicked” with (trying not to be cringy or cliche but it’s kinda hard), we flirted a bit and got along really well, everything’s good. My then best friend absolutely despises her for some unknown reason along with a few other people, mentions he wants to kill her and uses names such as cunt, bitch, slut frequently that he doesn’t use for anyone else despite being an agreeable person in general. I do the logical thing and tell her that he’s been doing this, someone sees me talking to her in private, assumes what you might expect, and we’ve both got love hearts and amalgamations of names following us for the next two days, as well as people mocking both of us for a “problem” that I have that most people find incredibly amusing but makes me really socially anxious. I kinda end up retreating into my shell a bit, acting sarcastic, snarky, cynical every time she tries to speak to me in the desperate hope that it’ll blow over and I can just apologise for it later. It doesn’t happen, I later find out she thought I hated her, try my best to apologise, we leave without phone numbers or anything.

I feel absolutely awful. Like I’ll be okay if I’m distracted but every time I hear the song that she sang or hear a bird tweet at a certain pitch or see particular combinations of colours I’ll just want to break down and cry. I’ve lost all motivation to do anything except these desperate fantasies that miraculously I’ll see her around some time and that I’ll somehow have the strength and boldness to speak to her and that somehow she forgives me, we exchange phone numbers, whatever. It’s not going to happen. I’m not going to describe how I feel about her because I doubt I could, I just feel so lonely like I’ve been abruptly cut off from everything and there’s just this gaping disconnect between me and the me people see and everyone else. There’s never going to be anyone else like her and I don’t see how I can get better. Sometimes I just start crying and J don’t know why, nothing triggers it but I just dont know what to do.

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