I want it all back, even if it was my fault I lost it…

My wife and I used to role play both story and intimate wise. It was a favorite past time we would do since we don’t feel we have interesting enough lives to just “talk”. I work a job she doesn’t care about less it affects me emotionally, and she’s slightly mentally handicapped with weak joint and a bone deteriorating condition so she can’t work so I have to be away most of the time.

Recently, for the third time I roleplayed with someone else using my personal character, who is a more handsome, muscular as I’m fat, and more sexually appealing version of myself. My wife is everything to me, and I would never cheat on her with another woman or man in the flesh, but no matter how you look at it, I did so regardless. Now she’s killed off all of her characters and will never do so because of me, and I’m so regretful I wanted to die because of it. Now she’s “writing” a new story and has me actingh out what the love interest would do, which is Roleplay, and I feel I can’t commit because it’s like driving more and more guilt, especially when we can’t do it to spice up our sex life… yet I want to because I love her and want her to be happy… I know I did wrong, and perhaps I needed to control my frigging hormones… but I need a lot of sexually tension due to my possibly having ano issue with being over aroused too often, and she’s not always awake during the day or in the mood to sext… am I just being selfish in wanting that back because now it feels like I can’t do it like I want to anymore like she’s wanting now after killing off her characters and refusing to do any of it with me anymore in bed or otherwise?

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