I really don’t know…

This is kinda tough cause I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. (M 26)I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. I’m self diagnosed Autistic and I don’t think that matters here but idk. So my partner(NB 23) has a friend who has just got out of a relationship. I’ve always kinda thought she was pretty but in the way that some people are just generally better looking than others. So my partner is telling me that this girl has been fooling around with this “friend” of hers. From the sounds of things she being taken advantage of while she’s emotionally off kilter. This ends up making me really angry and I realize I’m jealous of this dude. Obviously there have been other people in the past 5 years who are really attractive to me but now it’s like weight in my chest upset about this. Until then I never thought about this girl outside of what my partner told me. But for a couple weeks now she’s just on my mind and I feel really guilty about it. I what I thought was right and tried talking to my partner but they just kept getting more and more angry so I swept it under the rug and played it off like I was just jealous of the attention some of our other male friends were getting. I know this is all rambling but I’m constantly in this anxious panic about it. I don’t want to give up my life with my partner but no matter what I do I can’t get this other girl out of my head. Do I try to broach the subject again. Is the kind thing to do to break up amicably. I feel like I’m doing something wrong here but I do really love my partner but like there’s this stupid part of my brain that wants to sleep with this girl soo badly.

One thought on “I really don’t know…

  1. First of, your feelings of protection towards this girl and claiming that she’s being taken advantage off (while your partner calls it fooling around) probably stem from your feelings for her.

    Remember that she is her own person, an individual with her own mind and own feelings who certainly doesn’t need you to protect or rescue her from what it seems to me think of as her naivety or inability to decide for herself. This tells me that you do not actually care for this woman as a person but care more about what she means and represents to you, your ego and your life.

    And that’s fine, you probably deal with insecurities and/or confidence issues.
    And that’s fine, everyone does.

    What you need to be able to do is have an honest and open conversation with yourself and your partner about why you feel the way you do. Maybe you’re lacking in attention or affection, in general or some specific way.

    From my own life I remember a time when I was in a relationship with a woman who had turned off nearly all sex in the relationship and with it most all sexual attention or admiration. That situation lasted a year and grew ever more frustrating. Until one night, I was out with friends and I ran into an old high school crush. She confessed that she had always had a crush on me as well and said about my current condition “Omg, you’re so hot!”. I remember I wasn’t feeling great about myself at the time, had put on some weight and felt out of shape so I thought to myself “Oh yeah? You think this is hot? You should see me in shape!”

    This motivated me to start working out again and I started getting in better shape again. But my at the time girlfriend didn’t seem to care, on the contrary seemed to be put off by what she perceived as arrogance as I started feeling better about myself. So I started hitting the bars a lot more often. Not to cheat. But to flirt. This lasted a few months until eventually I did kiss another woman and my ex found some messages on my phone. Then the relationship was over, and it was probably for the best, it was always going that way it just needed an excuse. We were to immature to face our issues head on.

    It was only after the breakup that I had time to think, go over things and analyse and I realised; I had no intention of cheating, I didn’t necessarily need another woman, but I needed attention, I needed someone to make me feel wanted. Obviously my ex had her reasons for not giving me that but because we never addressed the real issues for what they were (cause we were to silly to understand what they were) it manifested in this way.

    So, it’s not about this girl really. She’s just a girl.
    But what’s going on with you? What are you missing?

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