I am unhappy now that I got the girlfriend I wanted
(I am 17 but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be taken seriously.)
For a couple of years I’ve felt the desire to have a girlfriend and I’ve had a few undisclosed crushes and a few months ago my mind became set on a particular friend of mine. We became quite close, as in going out as friends quite often, but I always had a thing for her. After months of going out (in which I obsessed over my lack of self confidence and other issues) , and trying to get her to like me without actually letting her know I liked her, I finally decided to tell her how I felt. After that point, it took her 7 weeks to figure out how she felt, during which I felt really anxious. Finally, one day she agreed to be my girlfriend. This is the first relationship for the both of us, and she is quite out of my league.
I was sure that getting a girlfriend would be the event which would make my life amazing, as in giving me ‘magical’ confidence, optimism, charisma and so on. But it didn’t.
In the first two weeks of us being together, my concern was that she didn’t actually like me, but once she confirmed that, it all started to go downhill for me. Somehow, I started questioning whether I liked her. It really plagued my mind, I was unsure whether it was just a thought or actually true. Another two weeks later I am feeling depressed, my relationship is one sided, meaning I sometimes get anxiety when I’m around her. She is a great person, she actually cares about me and wants me to help me get better, but I feel like I can’t appreciate her enough.
I don’t really want to break up, I’m trying to figure out how to make it work, how I could allow myself to fall in love and to stop being depressed and anxious.