I’ve been in a relationship going on for years now. At the beginning he told me that his best friend was a woman, and that his new girlfriend will have to be okay with that. I said sure not a problem, have you ever had a physical relationship with this woman? His response was no I have not. Fast forward a couple months, I ended up moving in with him, and his best friend was around quite a lot. Her stuff is at his home, the home we’ve been sharing now for three and a half years. About three months in I noticed some things that were not adding up. She was far too comfortable ordering him around. Then one evening during a ball game we were playing in she got hurt while in the outfield. He took her to the hospital, and then brought her home to our house afterwards. while she was here she decided she needed to take a bath oh, so he rushed to the bathroom and scrub the tub then drew a bath for her. About an hour later I realized I hadn’t seen him around the house, then I heard the bathroom door open and close and he was coming down the hallway from there. Apparently he had gone in to help her get out of the tub and dry off. Later that evening I mentioned my discomfort at how much help he provided her, he acknowledged that okay, that’s understandable and he would keep that in mind going forward. A short while later I put two and two together and I asked him straight out have they had a relationship, he answered yes. We ended up in a very long argument. I was very upset, but more so because I somehow became the bad guy for calling him out for lying to me. At that point I wasn’t sure what was going to happen he seemed ready to just end things and it was actually his best friend that calms him down and must have told him not to end the relationship. Long story short, we’re still together, it has been three and a half years or so, her stuff is all still here impeding our space, and if she doesn’t reach out to him on the regular he reaches out to her to check on her. She did move out of town which seemed to help things, but he has on several occasions dropped everything to drive stuff out to her that she had left here and decided she wanted. That is a 2 and 1/2 hour drive one way. I feel like he has never been the same since I called him out for lying. his affection level has never returned to what it was. And I feel like I am begging for him to show me affection without provocation and not just the hand on the leg for show. I do not feel like he is invested his heart to the full extent that I have. I often wonder how much he misses her and the relationship. He never provided any details, I’ve only figured out that they were together for approximately 5 years, and that he bought her an $8,000 engagement ring at some point in 2014. He will not discuss their relationship, and anytime I try to bring it up he shuts down. He is quick to defense and at the one time that I did say would you choose her or me his response was I choose me. I have since come across vacation photos of them and I can’t help but feel like the love that I see for her in those photos is nothing like the love that I see from him in our relationship.
I know this is long-winded but the back story is important. I’ve always believed everyone deserves a second chance, and I do love him, he is a good person.
My birthday just passed. Last year, no bday card, and a “gift” in a plastic bag that he told me to grab from his car while we were at the dog park. It was a wooden sign that reads “Beware the Wigglebutts”. His dog is the wigglebutt, not mine – but whatever, gifts aren’t mandatory/needed. I was however disappointed that he didn’t get me a birthday card, and I said as much. Well this year my birthday comes around, he ends up out of town for work, which isn’t unusual at this time. My bday has passed and yet again no bday card. His reason for this is work sent him out of town unexpectedly…
I feel like I put 110% into our relationship and our home. It feels like he’s putting in maybe 75% of his heart and self.
Am I selfish?