TLDR: Is it unreasonable to ask your girlfriend who is also your friend of 20 years to insist her male friend (who refuses to acknowledge your existence) stops calling her pet names like “boo” and “baby” while texting and that she also clearly defines their friendship lines so he is clear. Is it reasonable that I haven’t flipped out on him or her, and only got angry after many weeks of it happening and her treating me like I was crazy for it? Advice please? Mostly looking to see whether the world agrees with me, or with her that I am overreacting.
My best friend of 20 years and I started dating after her recent divorce. Early on she went on a few dates with a couple other people she met on a dating app, but we ended up together. She told the two guys she’d like to be friends if they were interested, as she met someone. One guy was down, the other was all “Nah, I’m good” and we thought that was that. A couple weeks later he texts her and is all “Actually, I can’t keep you off my mind. While I still have feelings for you I’d still like to be friends.” She talked to me about it and I am not the jealous type, and I encouraged friendship and told her I hoped he’d get over his feelings. Over time, it became strange. She/he were surprised/shocked at/and apparently against any group hangouts (I like new friends too). Ok Fine. This is her friend, maybe once she is sure he is a friend she wants to keep around we can all hang. Trying not to feel like an idiot here, give her trust. He calls her “boo” and a few other pet names. A couple other weird fuckboy redflags. He invited her over to cuddle once. She told me about all of this, and I tell her what I think of his intentions, but she says he hasn’t “done anything” yet and that she thinks he is just processing his past feelings for her. Okay, feeling like an idiot. I tried adding him as a friend on social media and sent him a nice message about being friends, and I know he is new to town and mentioned common interests my girlfriend said we had. Didn’t call him out for being a creep. I know how feelings can be and didn’t want to piss off my girlfriend for being that jealous guy. He blocked me. He talked to her and said I said things I didn’t; I showed her my message to him. She got mad at me for not running it by her first, and defended him. She DID at least tell him some of the things he was saying and doing were inappropriate. AT LEAST. Time goes on. I drop it, they hang a few times, we seem ok. She goes and grabs drinks with him and one of his friends (but not me of course) for his birthday at a bar. She meets up with me later, and we have drunk sex. In the middle, while putting her glasses on nightstand I see a message from him on her lockscreen “Thanks baby” Ok yeah, not okay. Of course drunk me cannot let it go. Past traumas from being cheated on, anger at this fuckboy for overstepping and not being able to be just friends with the woman I am crazy about, anger at her for not respecting my feelings who she’s known 20 years over this dating app fake-friend she has hung out with like 8 times and allows his behaviors to continue. I bring it up. I am mad. I show her her phone. We fight. She breaks up with me. I am the unreasonable one.