Feeling really alone after breaking up from a long term relationship
I was with my girlfriend for six years…since I was 18 to now being 24. Our relationship was very up and down, with a lot of emotions. However, one thing was always constant. We were both loyal, we both loved and cared deeply about each other, we were both best friends with each other, we both knew every little details about each other lives and we were each others place to vent.
However, during the first 12-18 months of our relationship…I treated her really badly. As a young kid in college, I wasn’t mature enough to understand her feelings and while this was her first major relationship (she had fought through depression before this), she put her heart and soul into it and I was a pretty garbage human for the first little while. After she gave me an ultimatum to break up, I told her I would change and slowly, did start to mature. The next 3 years were very up and down. She was very cold and turned off, emotional, depressed. Now, every little thing I did bothered her. We were really on and off at this point but we were still very close in the sense that we talked almost every day, a lot was negative.
After we both graduated we moved out and got a place of our own. Now, being away from the past and all the drama, things were better. I had a job and I was more secure, she was doing her Master’s. We had our own routine, it felt like nothing could kill this. Our parents were involved, and a lot of our friend base was mutual.
However, about 2 months ago, she told me that she still has a lot of doubt if this is what she wants. She’s a lot less naive, more mature now than she was when she was 17. She says that she looks back at this relationship and all the bad times is all she sees. She doesn’t want her daughter to think that her mom was weak. She doesn’t want to look back and think the only guy she’s ever been with treated her like shit for a long time. She says she wants to try different experiences and find herself, live her life as this relationship is all she knows. Even though she finds me attractive, loves spending time with me now, I can support her financially etc…she says it’s not me, but more about finding herself and finding a relationship in the future that is completely pure.
Going from living together to her moving out (it’s been about 2 weeks), and barely talking to her has been, well, pretty damn hard for me. When Im not busy hanging with friends or working, I feel really really alone as my entire life revolved around her. She says that the only reason she’d come back is because she feels guilty, which I don’t want either. But it’s so hard for me. I’m sure in a year or two I’ll be completely over it, but I was planning my entire life with her you know? Six years is a lot of time and energy and effort invested in something emotion. The truth is, recently, I have been really happy with her. The good times still outweigh the bad by a lot, but I understand there is nothing I can do to change the outlook on her own life.
To be succinct, I’m devastated, extremely sad, alone. All I can do is think about her and the bad times. I don’t feel like talking to other women even when I’ve had opportunities to.
Has anyone else gone through this or a similar experience that they can share with me?