Consent while in a relationship?


I’m a female and I am 23 years old. I recently moved in with my boyfriend who is 30 years old. We’ve been together for a while and we decided it would be nice for us to move in together so we took the opportunity. I guess I’ll just get straight to it then.

My boyfriend has a high sex drive and he told me this since before we started dating and deemed it extremely important to him. To me, that didn’t seem like a big deal because I’m attracted to him and I appreciate that he’s attracted to me. However, it’s not what I expected or what I think any woman should expect at all..

We’ve been living together for about a month now and in the beginning when it came to sex he would just go for it. By “go for it” I mean he’d kiss me for a little while and rub my sensory areas for a bit and when he’s hard and ready he would just go right in without asking or even letting me know that’s what we’re doing.

The first 2 days, I was okay with it because we both hadn’t seen each other for a while and it was exciting that we were staying in the same place all the time. On the third day, he went for it again and I wasn’t particularly in the mood to have sex at the time. I would tell him “no”, “stop”, or “I don’t want to” repeatedly. He still tried and eventually I just gave up and let him. You would think he would stop once he realizes that I’m not responding to anything he’s doing or saying and I’m practically laying there lifeless, but he still continued until he was finished and had no interest in whether or not I wanted to continue or if I had even enjoyed what was going on. This makes me feel angry, sad, and taken advantage of. After that, I bring it up to him nicely to try and talk about the situation and come to a happy medium, but this doesn’t turn out so well. He thinks I’m attacking him, claiming he’s a rapist, and that I wanted what he gave me even though I told him otherwise…

It’s been a month now that we live together and we’ve had the discussion at least 4 times already. The other times not as severe as the first. Multiple times when we have the discussion he tells me that he can’t really do anything about his urges because he has a “condition” diagnosed by a doctor that he has yet to tell me what it is or even show paperwork or something to prove his diagnosis. Even so, I don’t understand why this diagnosis has to do with his lack of empathy when it comes to my body. He also instated that I don’t understand and that I’m causing him physical pain by denying him when he wants to have sex with me and I don’t at the moment.

I don’t know how to handle this claim..

I try to explain to him that I’m very much attracted to him, I enjoy having sex with him, and he’s the only one I want to share the experience with, however, there are times where I could use a break or I’m not in the mood or maybe I could be in the mood but it would diminish when he comes onto my body like a piece of meat that has no thoughts or feelings without even asking if it’s okay..

At this point, we still have the conversation because he’s still not happy (he claims he is).

I can say now though, that things have changed little. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want me to feel like a piece of meat, he wants to consider my feelings, he’s apologized and admitted that he hadn’t considered them before, and he has been trying to ask me before he gets into it (sometimes) because he understands now that it takes both of us and not one while the other lies there.

I’m not exactly comfortable that I’ve had to explain this to him but I love him very much, so I’m being deeply understanding and I’m trying to help with the situation because I want our relationship to work.

Things that i feel like still need to be worked on would have to be his self control when it comes to him being “turned on”. I like to cuddle with him and I enjoy that he’s the touchy feely type, but when I’m not in the mood or even when the time is inappropriate he would get turned on and act on it as if I feel the same when I don’t. I try to tell him no and that I don’t want to or we shouldn’t and he insists on getting upset with me and going on a spiel about how it relieves stress and that I’m not tending to his needs. He hasn’t necessarily told me that he doesn’t like to cuddle unless it leads to sex but I’ve noticed that when I do get through to him and tell him, I’m not up for it he isn’t intimate with me and doesn’t necessarily want to be involved with me like that.

I want to get to a point where we can be intimate and not have to have sex, we have sex when it’s mutual, and when I’m not in the mood for sex I don’t want to feel guilty about it and obligated to even when I don’t want to.

I’m sorry for how long this is but I’m just really confused and I want to understand him even though I feel like I do. I haven’t talked to anyone else about this because it’s embarrassing but I would really like a second opinion on the issue because I feel like I’m missing something. He told me that in past relationships it’s been an issue as well, even to the point where things end because of it and he feels as though he hasn’t really done anything wrong. He believes that’s who he is and doesn’t want to change who he is but he will for the sake of the relationship. Basically makes me feel guilty and as if he’s not happy… please help.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.