Can’t work her out

I am at my wit’s end… I think…

I don’t actually know what to think! I’m so confused.

I met an east Asian girl online through a dating site in November 2017 and we hit it off. We were both looking for a serious relationship with a view to getting married and having a child. She was open to moving to my country. All boxes ticked… great!

We got on well via video and chatting every single day, and in January I flew around the world to see her. She was amazing. We got on well, we really liked each other; we got completely intimate, talked about a future together and the future looked amazing.

I went out to see her again in April, where I met her parents, sisters, brothers, nephews, nieces etc. Saw her family home and their poor situation (which she was embarrassed and shy to show me).

And now I have just returned from my third trip to see her.

Now, the majority of the time… say 28~29 days in every 30 she is spot on. We exchange the sweetest messages, she says the loveliest things to me, she opens up to me about her family woes and how she tries to help them. She updates me on what her family is up to. We share laughs and memories of our times together. She meets me at the airport, she does English tests so we can start working on a visa to bring her to my country, and does plenty of other little things which I love her for.

But then, 1 or 2 days a month, her personality completely flips and is a completely different person. Her messages become cold, short, blunt, unaffectionate.

Despite me sending her money every month, shelling out the cash for the expensive trips to see her, spoiling her rotten when I am with her, investing all my work holiday allowance in her, paying for her back-payments on her bike, buying tablets for her nieces and nephews and above all, offering and working to bring her to my richer country where I can give her a nice home and love and a family… she will call me selfish. She will say I only care about my money. She will spout rubbish like, “if I ever got pregnant with you I would not tell you because I am not ready”. She even said, “If I did not love you any more I would not tell you because I don’t want to upset you, I would just fake it”.

These things worry the Hell out of me and have caused me to lose a lot of weight through stress.

Now I don’t wish to sound naive here… I know the first thought for most readers is going to be… PMS/PMT?…. even PMDD? I have done some research and yes, maybe she struggles at points in her cycle. But seriously, some of the things she’s said or done… they’ve just seemed evil.

Most recently, during my last trip, we made a promise to each other that we would 100% focus on applying for a visa for her to come and live with me. This will cost me £1,000’s, not to mention the amount of time, organisation and stress of it all. I am booked to see her again in August, so I arranged for her to take medicals and a compulsory seminar during the time I am next there. All my/our flights, hotels – booked. All the visa-related appointments for her – booked. Her sister is getting married during this time, so we’re also making internal flights together to attend the wedding. We promised to each other that December would be the month we aim to have her in my country, so we must work hard to make it happen.

I returned from that trip totally psyched up. Totally buzzing that we were doing this together, and we could finally live together very soon.

Then, just a few days ago she says she’s booked (and paid) onto an 8 month training course so I must cancel my August trip and delay all visa stuff until later. What the f………k?

Regardless of the amount of work I’ve already put in, the effort, the time, the money, the planning… despite the promise we made… she just decides she wants to do something else for now.

I don’t get it! Why can’t I just find a normal person? I love her to bits. Nay, I love her more than life – which is why we got engaged in April (which she was totally thrilled about I might add).

From the very first moment I met her online, she agreed that she wanted this life – that she wanted a family; to move abroad and settle down. But she plays a risky game by abusing me 1 or 2 days a month, and also jeopardises her own future by creating her own obstacles…? What gives?

I have asked her straight if she harbours fears or concerns about coming to live with me – she says ‘no’.
I have asked her straight if she’s getting bored of me. She says ‘no, don’t think like that’.
I have asked her if she needs more time. She says ‘no’.

I give her all the opportunities I can to tell me what’s on her mind, but she insists everything’s fine.

However, she still has these moments where she seems to hate my guts and resent the situation. Where she seems to just want to hurt me. In actual fact, this isn’t the first time she’s told me to cancel all my flights because she got upset about something trivial or a blatant misunderstanding (with zero consideration for the money I’d lose, or the planning I’d invested). Her actions would indicate during these tantrums that she doesn’t want to migrate, be married, or even be in a relationship (based on her lack of communication with me about important, life-changing decisions).

I don’t know what to do, because despite having great friends who listen and advise, they have never shared the moments with her which I have. They haven’t kissed her, or heard her wish me good morning. They haven’t heard her giggle and truly seen or felt the amazing things which she has done for me. My heart aches and yearns for her and I can’t stop thinking about her, but when she decides to go on a self-destructive downer she takes me down with her and it batters and bruises me mentally.

Thanks for reading!

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