Cant stop thinking about the “what ifs”
I am 27 years old and engaged to lets call her “girl A.” We have been engaged for 3 months. We have been dating for just a little over 5 years. Before I met girl A I broke up with high school girlfriend of 4 years earlier that year. During that year and before I met girl A I met lets call her “girl B.” I was 21 turning 22. I met girl B one night at her house during a party she had. Prior to this I have heard of girl B and she sounded very similar to me in interests and personality. But she had a boyfriend and I did not think much about trying to meet her. So I went to the party at her house that night and met her for the first time. We instantly hit it off. I am a very shy person so I would never think about trying to do anything besides be her friend, given that she has a boyfriend. At this point they were dating for about three months. Girl B was nerdy, shy, and many other things that I am also. I stayed late and hung out and talked to her and played video games, something we both enjoyed to do. I then left. The next day we connected on facebook and started talking some more. We really hit it off. We eventually exchanged numbers and became really close of friends. I would not deny that I had feelings for her but I did not find any harm in talking to her. She would text me about how her 3 month relationship was not making her happy. The gentleman she was dating was not putting in the effort she was. Eventually we hung out again through some friends. But one day she invited me over to her house and we hung out just by ourselves. At this point she admitted that she was unsure if her boyfriend was right for her and that she also had feelings for me. We eventually had a long discussion about it and I told her that her happiness is what is the most important and I would do anything to ensure her happiness even if it meant taking a step back. Over the next couple days we hung out a lot. One day (on my birthday) we laid in her bed, cuddled, and just talked. I made the joke that I would like her a kiss for my birthday and she joked saying “maybe you will”. I eventually had to go to work (I worked evenings). But during work she asked if she could come over after work and play pokkemon games, yes we are that nerdy. I agreed to it. At this point we both were really close friends but knew there was more to our feelings. We play pokemon and cuddled. I often went in to kiss her and she did not pull away but I would stop right before the moment. We both verbally said we wanted to do it but its not right. Eventually we broke down and it happened. The rest of the night was just us kissing. Nothing more. I was ecstatic in a way because at the time I knew that we would both make each other very happy if we were to date. My intention was to date not sleep with. Not my style. I eventually walked her out to her car at the end of the night and she gave me a smile that I don’t think I’ve seen before. She told me that she was happy and left. We had plans for her to come with my family to a water park the next day. She told me the next she couldn’t go. This killed me inside because I knew what happened the night before is not sitting well with her. I gave her some space that day but I stayed home and my anxiety went through the roof so bad that I could not leave my bed. Eventually she told me that we shouldn’t talk anymore. This hit real hard. At this point I knew that girl B was something truly special to me. The way we connected was like no other person I have ever talked to. She was purely amazing. I could not stop thinking about her. I kept imagining my life with her but it hurt at the same time because I knew I was losing that chance. About 3 anxiety ridden weeks passed by and she started talking to me again. She was still dating her boyfriend and things did not get better. We decided what happened could not happen again though. We hung out and talked some more and even during a conversation that she hinted that if I demanded that she break up with her bf that she would. I told her I don’t want to force her to do anything. We hung out again one night but kept our distance. At the end of the night I walked her to her car and hugged her goodbye. As I let go I felt her try to hang on to my hand as it was gonna be the last time we held each other. She told me that I made her happy. She left and went home. Over the next month she slowly stopped talking to me and we stopped hanging out and talking altogether. At this point it has been roughly 3 months since we met. It was hard to not have her in my life but I learned to cope with it with by working out. I learned that I needed to learn to be happy by myself. I did not hate girl B for what happened. I understood exactly where she came from. Like I said I wanted to the best for her. A couple months went by and I even had enough confidence to ask a very cute girl to be my lab partner, girl A. We met in school and started talking and eventually started dating. We got along really well. We did not have the connection as me and girl B but we still had a awesome connection. We eventually dated for about 7 months and I have not talked to girl B. Out of nowhere girl B messaged me telling me about her life and how her and the bf broke up. She eventually asked how me and girl A were doing. I told her that we were really good and that was the last time I talked to girl B. I felt bad but I really liked, actually loved, girl A and I didn’t want to mess it up. I told girl A about it and nothing happened. Girl A and I kept dating until this day. We have built our lives together. We have a house, good paying full time jobs, and our gonna get married next year. We have our ups and downs but overall we get along pretty well and I don’t have any doubt in my mind that I love her. We have a lot in common but not as much as girl B and I did. And nothing can beat the connection I had with girl B. During the past 5 years I’ve thought about girl B and reminisced at what could have been but never acted on it or mentioned anything to girl A. I always and will always think of girl B as the girl that got away and that if we met at a different point in our lives we would of ended up together. But lately girl B has been coming into my dreams a lot and I can not stop thinking about her during the day. I keep thinking about how my life would be different with girl B instead of girl A. It is bothering me so much that it has made me depressed. And I have no one to talk it out with. I do not know why I can not stop thinking about girl B. I honestly feel like our night together happened yesterday. Any advice on what to do?