My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years now. Just recently his father got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, so my boyfriend has been trying to take over the household and keep things together (getting a full time job, being his father’s caregiver, getting his father’s meds, taking him to chemo, etc). I have been trying to be there for him and be understanding (giving him $100 a month to help with his father’s bills, giving him gas money, paying for all the food when we go out to eat, offering to help with the household chores, and even telling him I’d leave my job to move in with him and his family and get a job where he lives and pay them “rent” to help with the bills) during this time and had even offered him a break (not actually breaking up) as a way for him to be able to focus on his father because I didn’t want him to resent me for not being able to spend time with his father or regret any time we spend together because of what’s going on. Prior to this though, he tried to break up with me because he said that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. We talked, after I bawled my eyes out, and he took it back and apologized. Here’s where I’m having trouble: we see each other twice a month and he still tells me he’s too busy to see me. He usually drives out to come pick me up (we live about 1.5 hours away from each other) but with everything going on, we talked and he wanted me to start driving out to his house. I’ve done it before, but wasn’t able to the last time because I got a flat tire. He told me that he wasn’t going to see me then, because he wasn’t going to drive out. I even offered to try and take a train out there and he could get me from the station and he still said no. I got frustrated, because then I’d only see him 1 time during the month, and told him I didn’t want to be in relationship where the other person didn’t care if they saw me or not and was always claiming they were too busy. I work a very stressful job (working over 100 hours a pay period, being on call, having to come and work if someone calls off, etc) but yet I still try and make the time for him – a message only takes a minute to send. Once again, we talked and he came out and we spent the weekend together. The week that follows was where everything went terrible. We had kept in contact and he told me he would come out to pick me up on Friday (basically saying I didn’t have to drive out there). But when Friday came around, he didn’t mention anything about picking me up until I mentioned how I hoped the weekend was going to be less stressful and he replied that he was going to try to communicate with me online. I asked why he would say that because he told me he was supposed to come meet me, and he said that he didn’t have the time and that his whole weekend was going to be taken up by his family anyway. I got upset and told him that I had offered him the break because I figured he wasn’t going to have time for me and that he didn’t want it, only to keep telling me he didn’t have time for me afterwards and to just forget it. Other times I’ve gone over there, I’ve gone to countless appointments and helped him pick up stuff for his parents so it’s not like him doing stuff for his family is anything new. He told me that he had told me to drive out there, but I reminded him that he was the one who kept telling me he was going to come and get me. After that last message, I haven’t heard from him. I messaged him twice since then and both times he logged on and saw my messages, but never replied. It’s been 7 days and he hasn’t spoken to me.
In both my messages, I told him that if someone really cared for the other person, that they wouldn’t be doing this to them and that we should communicate in order to fix this. I even forwarded $100 to his account to try and continue to help with his father’s medical bills, with not even a thank you or acknowledgment given. I don’t feel like that argument was big enough to warrant him doing this, especially because he apparently didn’t have any intention of coming to get me and was just not going to tell me, so I should be the one who is upset but I’ve gotten over it. If he would have told me the night before, then I would have driven out during the daytime to see him (driving at night is difficult for me).
I’ve told him that I want us to work it out but we can’t if he doesn’t communicate with me and that if he didn’t want to continue with this relationship anymore, that he should just tell me. Instead he chooses to ignore me.
I’ve asked other people for their opinions and they’ve told me his silence should tell me enough. I guess I’m not happy with those answers because I would think that after almost 4 years together that he would have some sort of respect for our relationship and for me enough to tell me straight out he doesn’t want this anymore, instead of stringing me along like this, seeing I’m almost begging him to talk to me, seeing my messages, and choosing to stay silent. I feel like he’s trying to get me to be the one to end it just because he doesn’t want to (when he knows I want to work it out) so then he can go back and tell people that I left him when he needed me the most and wasn’t understanding of his family and father’s situation.
This is my first boyfriend so it really hurts that he’s doing this, but I just don’t want to give up unless he actually says he’s done.
I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. He’s done this before and I’ve always been the one to reach out to him to fix it, but this time he’s not talking. Should I try to communicate some more, should I wait to see if he talks to me, and if so how long should I wait, or should I just give up and try to move on?