Why do I feel so alone?….I know why, but he doesnt have a clue. Wish I could tell him but I know nothing will change. I cry and it doesnt register at all 2 him. That I’m unhappy and exhausted emotionally/intellectually and I wish he could understand and respond.
I want to be first. A first priority. But I always come second to his video games or his phone. We dont talk seriously anymore. Although, I cant remember a time we have now, it’s been so long.
We will watch tv, eat dinner, then away he goes to his gaming room. It makes me frustrated, it makes me feel like he doesnt care or WANT to spend time with me nor build a life together. It makes me feel like I’m just a convenience. I’m a maid of the house that he can fuck anytime. Or a roommate that shares the bills and does their own thing. It makes me feel used. Like I’m not worth the time to be in a romantic relationship with. Though my low self esteem definitely contributes to that feeling as well. I feel unappreciated. Eventhough he says he appreciates me, I dont feel it at all with his actions.
Idc if he plays video games every now and then, but every night? 3-9+ hours?? I dont fault him for having a hobby and things he likes to do, I get that.. but I feel I need to be ‘fit into his schedule’. And when hes not on hes looking at his phone/watching tiktok. He never just wants to talk or spend time with me which in turn makes me feel like my opinions or feelings dont matter at all (not to mention that he comes into the bedroom after gaming he expects sex if I’m up…Like I’ll be horny after being ignored most of the night?!)
I’ve tried to tell him I feel lonely and have once, but he just reverts back to what he usually does. There’s nothing i can do about it, I feel..stuck. I love him..he just doesnt do what he use to do to ‘keep’ me anymore. He doesnt put in the effort (except for in the bedroom). I cant remember the last time he called me beautiful genuinely or did something for me ‘just cuz’. I feel we are..distant. We are going to get married and yet, hes not excited for it. He shows by his actions and demeanor whenever I bring up wedding stuff that ‘it’s a bother, I dont want to deal with this’. That’s the feeling I get when I look at him. Does he really want to marry me when I see this attitude from him? Im really not sure. Sometimes I feel like a real future with him is impossible. To have kids especially.., watch them grow up, a married life, being a mother and him, a father. Those things are stressful and I feel he cant handle it. The responsibility of taking the time for others other than himself..it’s too much for him, hes too into what hes doing that he wouldn’t have the time or put the effort in (even though its something I truly want). I guess all these thoughts in my head will stay there, except for in this post to myself. I cannot tell my family, for they will end up hating/disliking him..nor our friends (ie mike/matt/my friend alicia) for fear of them telling him how I feel. I have no one to vent to, to truly talk to. I wish I could talk to him but he would shut down and just hold me, saying ‘I love you’, and ‘your feelings matter!”, when clearly, from his actions, they dont. He asks if I’m okay, but I have to lie. Showing and telling him these things I’d be afraid of how he’d react. I feel he would break up with me and I do not want that. He’d think I’m crazy or clingy when all I want is a little effort. A little sign to show me he cares. To do something without having to tell him to do it like a little kid. I’m just…tired of putting so much effort in when I get so little back.