A past flame comes back
Hi there, I have a complicated situation. I met a guy when I was 14 years old (he was 16 at the time) and we instantly liked each other. We met through family friends (his aunt and my mom are best friends). He lived 800kms from my home town and would come down every school holiday to visit. I liked him so much that it scared me. Over the years, those feelings grew however, for some reason I always made sure that I was dating someone when he was visiting – ensuring I was unavailable. He would ask me if there was anything between us and cry every time he left my house but I would tell him there wasn’t – even though my heart was bleeding to be with him. I was so afraid he would hurt me. We were intimate for the first time in my early twenties – I was finally single when he was visiting and I was on top of the world. The day after, we saw each other and I don’t know why but I didn’t know how to act. We were with his cousins and I guess I was afraid that they would know what happened and so tried to play cool. He then left and I hoped against hope that he would contact me after he left so we could chat and see where things went. He hardly contacted me at all – I would sometimes wait up until 3am just to chat to him for a few mins when he was free. I was very hurt and went over and over the situation in my head for months until he came to visit again. We had a fight after a few drinks where I expressed that I was in love with him and I was mad that he didn’t feel the same. I didn’t allow him the chance to respond or talk to me and left with another guy I had kind of been seeing. After that, for the past 7 years, we didn’t speak or see each other again. He has been dating a girl for the duration of the 7 years and I have been in a relationship for now 5 years. He moved to Dubai in February this year and just before, I saw that him and his girlfriend broke up. Call me crazy, but I thought – this may be my last chance with this guy. So I messaged him via Facebook expressing I wanted to reconnect. That is when it started, he got my number and started talking to me all day every day – from morning until falling asleep. However, he told me that him and his girlfriend were still together and now trying (despite the move to Dubai). He also told me that he fought hard to get her back after the break up and that he wanted it all with her. Him talking to me like this has been like my dream come true – 10 years too late. I loved speaking to him, so I kept entertaining it. All the time, hiding it from my current boyfriend. Quickly things got sexual (from his side) – he asked to have phone sex once. Despite what my morals told me, I gave in. I knew it wouldn’t be once off and it wasn’t. We also got closer and closer, talking more and more (if that was even possible). It then got emotional, he asked me why I didn’t grab him with both hands all those years ago, told me how I have always held such a special place in his heart and how he cried when he used to leave me. This all brought up all the old feelings. I kept going with talking to him. It became calling me “babe”, sending loads of kissing and hugging emojis. It felt like a “side relationship”. I felt like a cheater and told him that I didn’t know how I would make my relationship work after all of this. He told me that of course I could carry on as normal with my boyfriend after this. Last weekend, I decided to tell him how I felt. I told him that if he was ever available again that I would date him and that I knew I missed out for all those years. He told me that it was incredible and asked about what my status was and whether I was still trying with my boyfriend. It then got sexual again afterwards. Since then our talking has stopped 24/7 – he still messages almost every day but sends me funny memes or videos and the conversation doesn’t go much further. I have no idea what to think or feel at this stage. Online, him and his girlfriend’s profiles both look pretty single (they broke up twice last year he told me) and I think that the girlfriend is probably quite wary and wants to keep things open. I have loved this man since such a young age but he was a real wild boy when we were younger and he scared me a lot. But I am still curious about us. We have shared an unshakeable connection since those young days. My current boyfriend briefly met him once and straight away after told me that he could see he was still in love with me. I had no idea that he had ever loved me in the first place. I also met his girlfriend briefly, she marched up to me and said to me “I hear you slept with my man and yes, I am that kind of girlfriend.” I was so taken aback that he had even told her about me at all because we never actually dated. For the first time I thought that maybe whatever it was that we had had been of some significance if he told her about me. I have no mentioned anything again about what I told him the other day and have no idea how to address the elephant in the room. I also don’t know what to do in terms of my current relationship – I have the greatest man and if I leave him and things don’t work out with this other guy, then I lose everything. My current boyfriend and I live together and have pets together so it would be like going through a divorce…. I need advice very badly. Of course all of this has affected my current relationship and attraction to my current partner.